I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm grieving. And that's okay.

From everything we’ve seen, I’m anticipating that this is the week that the numbers for COVID-19 will go up drastically and dramatically.

I know that as testing increases the numbers will go up. I can know it and prepare for it all I want, but I’m still going to have my emotions. I disagree with the idea that emotions just clog up our thinking. They have a message for us and it doesn’t harm us to listen. I can be rational and have big emotions too - it all serves.

I’m scared and I’m worried. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to be worried. I cycle through all the stages of grief - because that is what this is - and it’s okay to grieve. I grieve all of our big plans for the future and I also dream of what potential is opening for a shift in the world. Liminal spaces tug you in all directions.

I’m scared and I’m worried. I worry about losing both of my parents, who live halfway across the globe from me. I worry about not being able to be in person with them, about not seeing them again, about not having more time with them. I worry about losing my person, my husband, just as we’ve turned the corner and found hope in our marriage again. I worry about my community - being devastated by the numbers to come and any connections we may have to those numbers.

I’m writing this to create space for that feeling. To witness, name, and be with it. To do what it wants my body to do - cry, shake, howl, worry, fear. To allow it instead of avoid it.

To not turn it into art, to not dance or deep breathe or zoom call it away - not yet.

Right now, I want to simply feel it, name it, and let it pass through at its own pace. That is okay. I trust myself to continue once this round of feelings has passed.