The Beginning of the Coaching Relationship - Empowered Relationships
As I shared previously, I’m practicing my 2020 intention of Surrender by writing about what I’m feeling, learning, and struggling with as I go through my Co-Active Coach Certification. I also want to question where I, as a coach, might be replicating systems of oppression and how I can shift that in my practice (and the rest of my life!)*. I hope to illuminate the power of coaching, solidify my learning, and ingrain equitable and inclusive practices from the beginning.
Feb 24, 2020
What is the learning?
My first two weeks of certification dove deeper into the beginning of the coaching relationship. In co-active coaching, the intentional relationship holds the power and exists to serve the client. Designing an alliance between coach and client, is a concrete way to make this relationship powerful. It is the upfront and ongoing building of an intentional relationship between coach and coachee.
Granting Power
A coach gives power to the relationship by letting go of their ego. What is possible can only be co-created with the client, the coach is not powerful on their own. The client also gives power to the relationship space by showing up with courage and commitment.
The coach is fully present, curious, and truthful; standing beside a client that is actively pursuing growth. Now deep learning is possible in the relationship. This inner learning then helps the client act more powerfully, both now and in the future.
Designing Alliance
Alliances might sound like the ground rules you set before a meeting, but the relationship we are creating requires more meaningful agreements. Alliances are deeply co-created and emotionally intelligent. Alliances are a living agreement that is custom to each coaching relationship and adjusted as needed.
The goal is to create an empowered learning space, a space that is both safe and courageous. And to clarify, safe doesn’t mean comfortable. Safe means the ability to feel supported in taking risks. I like my book’s comparison of a springboard vs. safety net of support. A place to aim higher and pursue what felt unreachable before.
A space like this requires establishing trust, speaking the truth, and a freedom to play and be messy (versus rigid measured outcomes and performance).
What is my experience of it?
My designing alliance process currently has a little mix of logistics, confidentiality, expectations, and naming that they hold the power in the relationship. I share my commitment as a coach to radical honesty, transparency, openness, and showing up as fully human. Yet, naming them is not enough - I want to show up in action that way from the start.
I want to approach my clients with greater curiosity and create a deeper and more custom alliance with them. I want to ask questions that speak directly to:
Where do they stand today?
What’s the vision for their future?
What is their level of commitment?
What obstacles might we expect along the way?
How do we want to face them, together?
How can I integrate equity and inclusion into my practice? What awareness do I need?
It’s interesting to see safe and courageous space in the coaching world. I’m glad they specifically mention that safe is not comfortable. Real change, talking about oppression and identity in real life, is (and should be) uncomfortable and sometimes straight up painful. For me, courageous means a desire to persist, to continue without knowing the outcome, even if you are feeling fear. In a world trying to acknowledge and shift inequity, I have to be courageous. To keep going, even if I’m scared of making a mistake, especially because I hold power and privilege too.
Designing the alliance seems like the clearest most obvious place to acknowledge and address power dynamics and systems of oppression up front in my coaching.
I want to address the power dynamics, not just between coach and client, but of gender, race, ability, sexuality, class, etc. I need to be more courageous in designing the alliance. I do specify that we are both human and will inevitable make ‘mistakes,’ but I need to be more specific. I need to create a space to name and discuss any of these dynamics the client or I may feel, and then see how we want to face them when they inevitably come up.
How could this be helpful for anyone in their life?
I believe designing an alliance could apply to any close relationship - colleagues, friendships, partnerships, romantic relationships. It feels more real to discuss up front what you want out of the relationship, what might get in the way, and how to deal with those challenges.
Naming systemic or structural power dynamics on top of that feels like a relief (for me). It’s like creating a doorway to a discussion that at least one person might be anticipating. You also let the other person know that you are aware, and trying to be better. And if you are trying to be better, than you will also inevitably fail in the process. Everyone is going to be imperfect and fail, but at least with an alliance, there is an initial conversation that you can return to courageously.
What do you think? What’s your experience of this (as a client or as a coach)? What am I missing? Am I making an assumption or holding a bias that I can’t see yet? Let me know in the comments below.
*I fully expect to make mistakes and miss my own biases, I welcome being called in when I do so. If possible, I hope for conversation and connection and shared learning throughout this experience. Let’s keep talking and see how we can be together in a new way.